Happy mother’s day fellow mamas.
Today I think of my mother and I am immediately overcome with a wash of sadness which is …unusual. I no longer think of her daily but next year marks 20 years since I saw her. That’s a long time.
Today I think of you and say thank you for being strict, for loving me. I definitely knew I was loved. Thanks for letting me have my ears pierced a month before you died. A month earlier than I should have been allowed. I was still 15 and you were adamant we waited until 16 but then I guess you ran out of time. I think it’s pretty cool what you did though. You threw the rule book at the window and laughed in the face of death staring back at you and let me do it. Just so you could could see me grow up that little bit more before you left. I want you to know I still remember that and I like it. It makes me smile.
I no longer cry when I think of you. (Except of course right now but hey it feels good.) I smile. I’m happy I belonged to you and no one else. You will always be a part of me and that means you will be a part of my children too. Even if they don’t know it, even if they never really care. I know, I care. Everyone is born and everyone dies. I get it. I like that too. I’m with peace about all that stuff.
Did you realise when you carried me inside your tummy that you also carried my children too? Because a girl baby has all it’s eggs inside it’s womb, that it will ever have before it is born. I think that’s kind of freaky but cool too.
I like how you were as beautiful when you died as when you were young. I wish I knew you then. I think you would have been a pretty rad person to hang out with. In fact I think you’d still be a pretty cool person to hang out with now. In the rose tinted spectacles that grief leaves behind once it has passed through I think I loved everything about you, though I know it can’t be true, but for the life of me I cannot remember a single thing now I didn’t like. You are forever rose tinted. I kind of like that too.
I love the picture of you above. I think it may be my favourite. Someone recently told me a fabulous story about your 21st birthday party. It made me so happy to hear it – like uncovering a secret diary you wrote, except you didn’t. Shame. I might write it down one day soon.
So there’s the thing. I’ve started writing some stuff down too. I have this book. I’ve started writing lists. If I die tomorrow I want my kids to know who my pets were when I was little and inane random facts like that as much as I want them to know which were the best days of my life and my first boyfriend. I think everyone should do that -write stuff down.
Ok that’s it for today. I guess I just wanted to say thanks. It was good while it lasted.
And look what the kids brought me back…
I’m pretty happy, lucky and all that other stuff most people feel on a daily basis when they look at their darling kids and realise each and every one of them is happy and healthy too. Long may it last.
I hope all of you have the good fortune to feel happy and lucky today too. Today was a blip of deep and meaningful…wah wah wah, but I promise I’m back to house tours and new cool features on the blog next week.
Enjoy this week. I can feel it’s going to be a good’un!